Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
