I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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