they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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