Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize