Is it normal to miss your booty call?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
