I can't watch pbs sober anymore
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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