I look better un-naked...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
