yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
