I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
