I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
