you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
