Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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