I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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