Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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