Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
