I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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