Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He passed out mid-signature
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Someone came in the potted fern
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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