How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
