I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
