sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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