just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize