Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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