my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
