i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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