she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
