Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize