you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
