nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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