sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
