sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
