I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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