Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
