I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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