how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
false alarm, still single
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
