McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
