worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
