I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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