i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
God, I missed his penis.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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