You can't special order awesome
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
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