Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
