Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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