you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
