I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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