i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
