Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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