Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
