Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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