My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
