Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize