I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
