I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
