Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
