just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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