I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You are a genius and a whore.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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