So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
