I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
