then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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