I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
