This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
