Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
