she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
