i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I AM VODKA MAN
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
