The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So many bounce houses so little time
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
