does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
