I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
don't judge my taste in strippers
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
